four walls, no walls, you and me.

f*ck you.
April 30, 2007, 11:56 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

It is 11:53 pm. The Dodgers just got annihilated by the Diamondbacks. I have a test to complete by tomorrow for a class and I am not prepared. I am staring at the stats on my blog and wondering why more people are not reading/responding to it.

To all of this I say fuck it. I don’t care.

Actually I do care. A lot. About all of it. About everything. But there comes a point where I am too damn tired and too old to give it any more than a moment in my thoughts.

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday. I had several actually but this one is the one that has stuck to the sides of my brain. We were discussing her upcoming show at an up and coming gallery and our lives as Artists. What does this mean for us? Does it mean we spend the rest of our lives trying to find a way to market our lives and work and hearts so we can pay the bills? Does it mean we isolate ourselves because the thought is too terrifying? Or does it mean we live the life we see fit and pray that it is a creative and artistic life because we were created as creative and artistic people?

I’m not sure where I’d cast my vote. I would like to say it would be for the latter but in all honesty that is not enough validation for me. Validation from friends and family and God is not enough. I need the validation of complete strangers who know nothing of me or my life or my soul to tell me whether or not I am good and worthy enough to pursue and continue to pursue my life’s ambition.

I live in fear that the irony is lost. Not on others, but on myself.


Over my head
April 30, 2007, 12:18 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I think I may have rushed into this too quickly. I can hardly manage my gmail account much less this. Pictures, tags, slugs, rolls, what does all of this mean?

On another note, I went to the library last week (actually, I go almost every other day, I am such a nerd…) and happened upon a lovely little blue hardcover titled “Forgotten Children’s Books.” It contained some rather extraordinary etchings, intaglio and block prints and a drawing or two that are original to the stories and proverbs. I borrowed it in hopes that these aged tales would provide a mild amusement, but to my suprise, they were quite dull. I suppose I was expecting a sort of satire but instead found joy in its simplicity.

Lately this has been a recurring theme. Finding the most truth at the the most basic level. I suppose my brain has had enough of the exegetical approach for now and is finding rest in the simple things. I only hope this train of thought can sustain me long enough to deliver me safely into adulthood.

Also on my reading list:
The Way of the Pilgrim and the Pilgrim Continues His Way. Highly recommend! It is essential reading for any person of faith, especially in the 21st century!
Jean Cocteau: a Bigraphy. If you are interested in the art and work of Jean Cocteau, then I would recommend this. If not, skip it.
Three Treatises on the Divine Images. If you took Senior Sem or Art & Tech (sans tech!) and liked it, this may interest you. It is St. John of Damascus’ defense of icons in the age of Iconoclasm.

The Beginning of the End
April 28, 2007, 9:41 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Today I found out I have no internet paper trail. I am not completely certain of the truth of that statement considering the basis of such a claim lays in the ever so narcissistic game of Self-Googling. It seems to me impossible that this could be. Am I the anomaly?

It doesn’t matter. The bottom line is, I was faced with two options as I stared at the empty results page. I could either embrace my isolation or throw myself into the pool with all the other fishies. I choose the latter. Niebuhr stuck in my head more than I anticipated I guess.

I couldn’t help but wonder if this was a reaction to my inner ascetic. I just recently picked up “The Way of the Pilgrim and The Pilgrim Continues His Way” and couldn’t put it down. Every few months I am confronted with the monastic life. My high school career test even said I should be a chaplain!

Until I figure things out, I’m going to wade in both pools. And this is part of my Hello World pool.