four walls, no walls, you and me.


f*ck you.
April 30, 2007, 11:56 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

It is 11:53 pm. The Dodgers just got annihilated by the Diamondbacks. I have a test to complete by tomorrow for a class and I am not prepared. I am staring at the stats on my blog and wondering why more people are not reading/responding to it.

To all of this I say fuck it. I don’t care.

Actually I do care. A lot. About all of it. About everything. But there comes a point where I am too damn tired and too old to give it any more than a moment in my thoughts.

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday. I had several actually but this one is the one that has stuck to the sides of my brain. We were discussing her upcoming show at an up and coming gallery and our lives as Artists. What does this mean for us? Does it mean we spend the rest of our lives trying to find a way to market our lives and work and hearts so we can pay the bills? Does it mean we isolate ourselves because the thought is too terrifying? Or does it mean we live the life we see fit and pray that it is a creative and artistic life because we were created as creative and artistic people?

I’m not sure where I’d cast my vote. I would like to say it would be for the latter but in all honesty that is not enough validation for me. Validation from friends and family and God is not enough. I need the validation of complete strangers who know nothing of me or my life or my soul to tell me whether or not I am good and worthy enough to pursue and continue to pursue my life’s ambition.

I live in fear that the irony is lost. Not on others, but on myself.

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2 Comments so far
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I would write you into art history books if I didn’t know you… and was a writer of art history books…

I think I would like to do the latter… I think searching for recognition in art may be like searching for happiness. It will always elude you until you stop looking for it and then maybe you will find you have it. But then again, there is a bitter side to me that says that maybe it is shameless self-promotion that gets certain people noticed and others not. But even so, would it be worth it to achieve recognition only because I am more persistent or resilient or something? I don’t know.

Comment by sumbum

I agree with you summer. 😉

Comment by jantirak




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