four walls, no walls, you and me.


a gift in the form of a chair
May 8, 2007, 1:45 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Today I was thinking about my post earlier and how sad it was that I abandoned one of the things I loved. I have one precious journal left with me. I have had it for two years (I write on and off and in different journals) and I took it off the shelf recently and laid it next to my bed on the floor in the hopes that one day I would feel inspired and pick it up and a glorious fountain of wisdom and forgiveness and hurt and despair realizations and and and… would all be spilled from my body onto the pages.

It didn’t happen like that. It was more like…I was still too hot after I got out of the shower so I sat down with the fan in from of me and saw my notebook and picked it up. It was so simple and easy. I was writing about the new layout of my room (I rearranged it) and made a diagram and then filled it in with actual things and then filled the whole page with chairs. It was the most lovely half a minute of my day today. I forgot how imaginative the mind can be when you take it out for a walk. It may seem like such a mundane thing but to me it was an answer from God.

For the longest time I thought that the meds had dulled me out so much that I would never be able to feel or think or care for a long time. I’ve been off them for over a year now (that’s such a weird thing to say!) and it’s been rough. The wave of numbness has been taking it toll on me but today it was taken over by a different wave. This wave said that it wasn’t the end yet, that however painful, there is something left in me. Such a double-edged sword though! I cried about 4 times this week, REALLY cried. I sobbed about the same number. I had single or double tears roll down my face about a dozen. When it rains it pours. It hurt so much I thought about calling my therapist and telling her I need meds again. But then I felt so sinful so I didn’t. I know that this is neither the end of my sorrow and tears, nor the beginning of peaceful sunny days. I am just thankful for the reminder that things are still possible and that God does answer prayers, even if we don’t know we are praying them.

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1 Comment so far
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what a beautiful thought, that God answers prayers we don’t know we are praying. I hope it’s true because I’ve forgotten how to pray them.

Comment by sumbum




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