four walls, no walls, you and me.


word to your word
September 20, 2007, 1:54 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Every once in a while I come back here and will write a post out of obligation or some weird sense of need or simply because it’s been a while. More often I come here, check my blog stats and then leave. Which only further confirms the fact that no one really reads this crap anyway.

Lately it’s been really difficult to write. Actually, no. More like, difficult to find the right words to fit this wrong feeling. I’m not always sure what language my brain communicates or processes information in, but it is becoming obvious to me that ENGLISH is not one of those languages. I read somewhere a long time back, I think it was jr high, that if you can’t express something clearly and succinctly, you don’t really know what you are trying to express in the first place. That always bugged me a lot. Depending on my mood, I either thought it was completely ridiculous to limit the extent of one’s expression to words, or I thought it made complete sense and that perhaps my inability to find words for whatever it was I was trying to put into the world did actually stem from an incomplete understanding of it.

I think now more than ever, I am really feeling the ache of lost words. I am not doing any art other than rudimentary drawing exercises for class and really awful craft jewelry for my really awful jewelry class. Not being able to expel and process things physically has put a strain on my brain. I alternate between art and writing. When I can’t art, I write. When I can’t write, I art. But now I am stuck in the awkward position of not being able to do either. Is this a part of mourning? To lose all other parts of your life as well? Or is it a destroying of the old methods so as to allow room for better things to fill its place? I am not experienced in this field and even the word mourning makes me feel queasy inside. Something like, does this even apply to me? I’m not entirely sure what it means. I considered going to the library and picking up a few books on mourning but I thought that I’d better not since I kow myself enough to know that I could just run away with it and that was probably not the thing to do at all.

And now I’m tired. But also excited for MOCA today and afterward Din Tai Fung, the best dumplings ever, period.

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enough, is, enough?
September 6, 2007, 2:57 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

if you’ve been around me long enough you know that there are certain things that trigger deeply rooted, at times illogical, incredibly ferocious anger or sadness. there has been more than one casualty to say the least and although i am really, truely sorry these things happen, i cannot seem to break myself of this terrible, terrible habit. I suppose that’s what therapy is for, to help sort out these issues, but healing and health is such a long, slow, uphill struggle. in the meantime, what am i to do with the remnants of a past i cannot let go of? how does one become one whole of something when there are about a thousand extra pieces that are trying to fit into the puzzle too? how many times can i keep running into the same wall before i realize that it’s not mine to run into?

as much as i would like to not blog about therapy, yesterday was an interesting session. my head was pounding the whole time and it was all i could do to not keep hitting it every two seconds. the issue of meds was brought up with ambiguous results and i am still not sure how i feel about it. although i suppose this sinking feeling in my stomach as i am typing this now should be an indication. i didn’t cry, i didn’t scream, i didn’t do anything. i just sat there and we talked, sort of, and by the end i felt just as heavy as when i walked in. but there was a sort of shift that happened. like i moved a milimeter to the left and was able to see my brain from outside of myself. that was enough. it was totally enough and it came without bells and whistles. no grand parade down the street. just a tiny little shift and now i am here, leaning a little to the left, and that is enough.