four walls, no walls, you and me.

something old something new
April 30, 2009, 3:34 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

This week has been a bit intense to say the least. I’ve been watching my inbox every day waiting for a very specific document which could change things drastically for better or for worse. Well, I got it, I read it, I don’t understand it, and the situation surrounding it is giving me the most intense anxiety I have felt to date. Even writing this I feel the black hole in my stomach sucking up everything around it. It is unbelievable how much this thing is affecting me. I feel like every time it comes up I lose a bit of my life. The pressure is incredible. And even though I know that, really, I can’t do much right now there is the inescapable (and often times completely intentional) feeling that I have to pick up the pieces.

I can’t even pick up my own pieces so how can I begin to do this now? I don’t have the strength to fix my own mess, so how do I carry the weight for a mountain of bad decisions that someone else made? It is making me irritable, angry, bitter, mean, rude, unapologetic, frustrated, etc…. I hate this person I’ve become because it’s not who I want to be but I can see how each day, month, year that this continues to roll on, I am more and more this person and less and less the person that I once was. What courage and hope I’ve spent the last few months cultivating has been plowed down by a simple email.

On another note, perhaps it’s just my PMS kicking in but also this week, I’ve been having very vivid memories. So vivid I can almost feel the chair underneath me, the clothes on my back, smell a particular scent wafting through the air. I’m grateful for these memories, and how real they can seen sometimes. It makes me realize that not everything was a total loss. That deep down there were moments that were genuine. And it connects me to a time where I felt in control of my mind and body.

This also makes me think about breath and how out of touch I am with the air around me. It is appalling sometimes to realize how little I am connected to the world. I live mostly in my head which I know is one of my downfalls. I miss how theater makes me aware of my body. I miss how art makes me move. I miss how I used to dance without fear in a small dark room with invisible hand prints and visible angels dancing around me. If you know this room you know it’s magic. I miss magic.


Spring is in the Air
April 28, 2009, 2:32 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I really appreciate the change of consciousness that is a result of no work on my part, but rather the perfect combination of sunny skies that do not retire until well after 7 and cool breezes that are slighly below normal recorded temperatures.